Post Delhi - Illusion -> Desperation -> Hope
07/07/07
Hmm.. this is one of those perfectly screwed up days that begin on a not so dissimilar note. After an illusionary dream start to my return to home, fuelled mainly by some profound parting memories and the sense of accomplishment of some praiseworthy endeavor, I started to gradually realize that some things, some habits and definitely some attitudes, never really do change. This whole talk about positive energy and determination and the willingness to commit seems great, and this time I felt things were really happening, only thing being they were not as happening as they seemed. I mean, all I have been able to do is draw up some crooked explanation for my irate psychotic mood swings and believe in the fact that all of it is normal, coz all one needs to do is to believe in the ‘seasons’ theory, which is somewhat akin to the cyclical reoccurrence of happiness and gloominess, honey and shit. So, I have no manners. So, I am rude in a velvety sort of way. So, I just don’t know how to nail opportunities. So, there is still a far way to go for me to call myself determined. And even worse is the fact that I now seem to have developed this strange fascination for an intimate fantasy that is, at the end of the day, just a hopeless fantasy. The last thing I need is for someone to certify I am psychotic. I am scared, I really am. Getting rid of the worthless tag was hard enough, now I have to escape the ever meandering tags of ‘self-destructive’ and ‘dangerously and insanely moody’ and ‘spoilt, unkempt kiddo’, oh I so hate that last tag. I have been a highly irresponsible and callous individual throughout my life, and although I realized it, I never could work towards a proper solution. Why am I saying this? I know fully well that this attitude is going to screw my life at times when I least expect it or would want it to. I am scared, hell I am scared, but I can’t stall my steps just because I am scared. No, that would be no less than surrender. My life, which has only assumed its significance in bits and pieces, would then stop delivering those highly hopeful chunks of brilliance. I’ve got to keep believing in my dreams, my abilities, my vision, and I have to keep moving however slowly, even if half the world keeps screaming that I am this worthless good for nothing who has been wedded to self destructive forces. I’ve got to hang on. I can't stop!
Hmm.. this is one of those perfectly screwed up days that begin on a not so dissimilar note. After an illusionary dream start to my return to home, fuelled mainly by some profound parting memories and the sense of accomplishment of some praiseworthy endeavor, I started to gradually realize that some things, some habits and definitely some attitudes, never really do change. This whole talk about positive energy and determination and the willingness to commit seems great, and this time I felt things were really happening, only thing being they were not as happening as they seemed. I mean, all I have been able to do is draw up some crooked explanation for my irate psychotic mood swings and believe in the fact that all of it is normal, coz all one needs to do is to believe in the ‘seasons’ theory, which is somewhat akin to the cyclical reoccurrence of happiness and gloominess, honey and shit. So, I have no manners. So, I am rude in a velvety sort of way. So, I just don’t know how to nail opportunities. So, there is still a far way to go for me to call myself determined. And even worse is the fact that I now seem to have developed this strange fascination for an intimate fantasy that is, at the end of the day, just a hopeless fantasy. The last thing I need is for someone to certify I am psychotic. I am scared, I really am. Getting rid of the worthless tag was hard enough, now I have to escape the ever meandering tags of ‘self-destructive’ and ‘dangerously and insanely moody’ and ‘spoilt, unkempt kiddo’, oh I so hate that last tag. I have been a highly irresponsible and callous individual throughout my life, and although I realized it, I never could work towards a proper solution. Why am I saying this? I know fully well that this attitude is going to screw my life at times when I least expect it or would want it to. I am scared, hell I am scared, but I can’t stall my steps just because I am scared. No, that would be no less than surrender. My life, which has only assumed its significance in bits and pieces, would then stop delivering those highly hopeful chunks of brilliance. I’ve got to keep believing in my dreams, my abilities, my vision, and I have to keep moving however slowly, even if half the world keeps screaming that I am this worthless good for nothing who has been wedded to self destructive forces. I’ve got to hang on. I can't stop!
posted by Kunal C | 3:13 AM
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