Nothing...

To do nothing and to be nothing are two different things. There come times though when they seem one, and it is this strange contradictory situation, when depression coexists with a feeling of elevated suspension. I walk on a tight rope made of nothing, staring at blank spaces on either side that inundate my brain with more of nothing. I don’t want to remember anything because I fear I won’t. Somehow I feel that that my brain now exists in a realm where my past and present are merging into a ‘null point’, a point where all faculties that my brain could have called upon, have now dissolved into complete nothingness, leaving behind a void that can only be filled with fear. To think of it, the world of today can only stand for ‘all’ or ‘nothing’. To be equivocal is to mean nothing. To be suspended in thought is to signify nothingness. To be non-judgmental and perceptive is to mean nothing. This, because in the world I live in, there is no room for indecision, suspension, random motion or an answer more than one. Decisiveness is not my greatest companion, nor do I believe in endings, cause there really aren’t any. Only cycles exist. My love for creative ambiguity can only bring forth the creation of an abstract nothing. Even in the angst to prove a point, or to achieve a victory in a battle of beliefs , there exists an elemental futility, a summation leading to nothing, for what are beliefs but pathways to some form of existence, pathways that all lead to the same destination. The journey on such a pathway is what we call life, but all these pathways dissolve in a null point, a point where one suddenly realizes that his was not the only pathway, a realization rather late in the day. And what after death, what remains but nothing. So maybe life does come to nothing. Maybe my rather dispassionate life does emblematize nothing. Snapping back to reality, my eyes, now wearing lenses of worldly perception, feel nothing after reading this quasi-philosophical yet quintessentially escapist piece of nothingness. I am sure you’ve felt the same, unless you consider yourself an outsider to this world, much like me, for unlike the rest of world, I do savor these special moments of ‘nothing’ in my life. And now that you have read so much about nothing, I’ll just throw a small question. Faced with those blank, suspended, seemingly directionless and illusory phases of life, how do you tend to look at life? What does it mean to you?.. nothing special?.. or a special nothing?

Post Delhi - The dream continues...

19/07/07
The dream continues.. its act of suspension.. that weaves the vertical rays of the sun into a spectacular dream carpet.. luring me into the lonely and doomed alleys of despair with its paradoxically mystic enrapturing presence. I picture a void in space, filled with the sound of silence, lit by the lights of a thousand beacons far away, a light that plays hide and seek with the shadows of hope. I picture you, leaning against a man-made barrier separating sea from land, lost in your happiness, a squint and smile projecting the effect, the eyes, talking through their gleam and content, as if they too, enjoying the moment, are suspended somewhere in this void that exists in eternity. I look at them, and I feel the shadows of hope drawing me closer to your spirit, your spirit, which makes me forget the demons of reality and move closer to a state of divine numbness. And yet, it is this divide of hope, that at once makes me feel lonely and lost. It seems I can never let go of the urge to keep staring at you, hoping hopelessly for a moment of eternal bliss, for a kiss that would fill me with warmth and life, even if for a moment, for the idea of what it would be to make love to you, to cross over a yet to be completed bridge leading to a heaven in the middle of nowhere, and it all seems so surreal, just for the moment.. and I so wish I was only destined to live as long as the moment.

Post Delhi - Illusion -> Desperation -> Hope

07/07/07
Hmm.. this is one of those perfectly screwed up days that begin on a not so dissimilar note. After an illusionary dream start to my return to home, fuelled mainly by some profound parting memories and the sense of accomplishment of some praiseworthy endeavor, I started to gradually realize that some things, some habits and definitely some attitudes, never really do change. This whole talk about positive energy and determination and the willingness to commit seems great, and this time I felt things were really happening, only thing being they were not as happening as they seemed. I mean, all I have been able to do is draw up some crooked explanation for my irate psychotic mood swings and believe in the fact that all of it is normal, coz all one needs to do is to believe in the ‘seasons’ theory, which is somewhat akin to the cyclical reoccurrence of happiness and gloominess, honey and shit. So, I have no manners. So, I am rude in a velvety sort of way. So, I just don’t know how to nail opportunities. So, there is still a far way to go for me to call myself determined. And even worse is the fact that I now seem to have developed this strange fascination for an intimate fantasy that is, at the end of the day, just a hopeless fantasy. The last thing I need is for someone to certify I am psychotic. I am scared, I really am. Getting rid of the worthless tag was hard enough, now I have to escape the ever meandering tags of ‘self-destructive’ and ‘dangerously and insanely moody’ and ‘spoilt, unkempt kiddo’, oh I so hate that last tag. I have been a highly irresponsible and callous individual throughout my life, and although I realized it, I never could work towards a proper solution. Why am I saying this? I know fully well that this attitude is going to screw my life at times when I least expect it or would want it to. I am scared, hell I am scared, but I can’t stall my steps just because I am scared. No, that would be no less than surrender. My life, which has only assumed its significance in bits and pieces, would then stop delivering those highly hopeful chunks of brilliance. I’ve got to keep believing in my dreams, my abilities, my vision, and I have to keep moving however slowly, even if half the world keeps screaming that I am this worthless good for nothing who has been wedded to self destructive forces. I’ve got to hang on. I can't stop!

Delhi Files 3 - Offering a dream to a tender heart..

30/06/07

Where do I begin from? Yes, I feel a little jittery. The tremble, the nervousness, the excitement, it’s all there. I can make out no beginning point. I know there is no ending point. All I can feel is, for the first time, a strong resonant force, which draws me strongly to its warm breath like a oasis doth draw a thirsty wanderer. I marvel at the presence of a soul so different, yet so alike me. I set my eyes upon a pair of eyes, wet enough to drown my world, and wide enough to see through it completely. I feel their pain, I understand their curiosity, and I know their quest for a meaning hidden somewhere in the forest of life. This sudden wave of tenderness sweeps through my heart into my eyes, and I know I want to kiss those eyes. I want my lips to warm them, I want to keep wiping every tear that flows out of them, so that not a chance do they get to see their own tears, for I fear that sight would make them shut themselves to the wonders of this world. I don’t want their sensitivity to come in the way of their curiosity. They are beautiful, and I want to forget all my agnosticism and pray, so that their beauty never withers. I know I sound rather hopeless and lost, but that’s how the dice has always rolled for me. The wanderer in me has yet again, seen a dream, so tender, so beautiful. He knows it’s not meant to last, but he wants to live it, as long as it exists. He knows the pain will be enormous, but then, does he really give himself a choice?

Delhi Files 2 - The journey from abstraction to meaning

29/06/07

The journey from abstraction to meaning, is one that would require a right mix of soul, focus and regimentation. I continue to falter in this journey I have undertaken, and every time I do, I stop and wonder. Where do I lie, I know not. What have I learnt, what have I unlearnt, I know, but I am not quite sure. The only thing I see and hold dear to myself is my earnestness, my objectivity, my tendency to respond and conform only to my heart. I’ve always spoken at length about the importance of pain in life, the need to continuously hurl oneself through emotional turbulences, so that the soul grows in experience and wisdom and the visual aura of the soul extends itself through the eyes of others. The words seem profound, but just how easy is this path? It isn’t, there isn’t a chance in the world that’s going to make it easy. Living through continuous shadows of despair and hope takes it toll on almost every other aspect of life. The feeling of incapacitation and loneliness is so severe at times, that all sense of time, work and motion dissolves into nothingness. Objectivity and sensitivity clash on a battleground that would yield no winner. It is a classic case of principle colliding with reality, when the earnestness to be true to yourself interferes with your daily life, making you feel like a complete failure, both on the physical and metaphysical front. So, what does one do? I am as clueless as can be, and no, don’t expect a conclusive decision from me. I thrive on the existence of ambiguity and choice. Maybe there’s just one thing I can say. In this strange undefined quest we all have embarked upon, the real jewels are those moments in life which gift us with new perceptions and different ways of looking at apparently mundane things. Maybe it’s just a matter of hanging on, of living a life, no matter how screwed up the situation is. I envy those who do not think too much. They lead much happier lives, because although they may not know too much about what’s happening to them, they do know that they have to keep on living. It’s very simple I guess, to keep learning through experiences. Not an easy thing to do when in despair, but then, even that pain is an experience. There is no right or wrong path, no definite answer, the pain is as beautiful as the smile. To understand it though, you have to feel it, you have to live it. To quote a dear friend – “So, u don’t understand life? Good for u.”

Delhi Files 1 - Old musings on truth and wanderer souls

22/06/07

Truth…reality.. the real thing.. the true enlightenment.. awareness of self.. what is this thing that some people often end up spending a lifetime in search of. I am not here to answer any specific query with regards to spirituality and inner divinity.. the various ideas and opinions can be found in any text. I look for this wanderer spirit in people.. people who are not satisfied with conformity..people who possess an everlasting spirit of enquiry.. people who dream.. people who seek a vision.. people who wish to spend their lives exploring and discovering the world around them.. all in a bid to come closer to themselves.
This spirit exists in everyone of us. Too bad, most of us choose to lock it inside some dusty closet inside the heart, because Mama said the foxes would eat us if we did something ‘out of order’. I am trying hard to keep this spirit in me alive, in spite of all odds.. and I feel a strong connect with the world whenever I find someone like me.. trying to find his or her way through this forest of forbidden mysteries called life..someone who has set the wanderer inside free. I don’t know how to describe the feeling.. inquisitiveness.. excitement.. love.. no word seems to fit the bracket. All I know is that this feeling is rare.. and it makes me feel strangely connected to the world around me.. through that person.

Love? (Revisited)

What is love? The ill defined word that it is, we've already drifted through lots of interesting definitions and strange allegories to the feeling this word tries to define. Having progressively perceived this idea, right from its narrowest definition to its broadest one, I'd have to say that coming up with a proper definition is indeed an arduous task. I guess the idea is subjective, means different things to different people. Love moulds itself into a feeling or idea subject to the perception of the individual. It becomes what you choose to make of it.
If one is to find a definition though, search for some common portal that connects every perceptive idea, love has to be understood from a universal and multidimensional perspective. I've tried my best to come up with such an idea, but then I know that what I am offering is, at most, my viewpoint, my perception.
All you need to do is look around and observe your environment, your world. Look around you. There are absolute strangers, and there are people whom you've probably never met but whom you know are in need of something or someone. You see old acquaintances, friends, old and new, close and not so close. A shift in perspective will make you see mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, sons & daughters, lovers, married couples, all taking their best shot at life and relationships. Let us say you are viewing everything around you through a perceptive kaleidoscope. Keep rotating the circle of perception, and you will come across so many different ways of looking at people of all kinds..and to get extremely bold now..you'll even get to see homosexuals, bisexuals, transsexuals, eunuchs..people with bizarre, ugly and arguably detestable physical desires. Now, I know, the discussion may peter down to good and bad, but that doesnt interest me. I am simply observing society, and the truth that such people also form a part of society. Good or bad?..that is again subjective. What difference should it make anyway? Keep rotating. A look at the world again and you will find people following diverse cultures and religions, people from different creeds, having different colours and physical features, people slotted into different castes and other manmade classifications, all sharing the same planet. Let us say the kaleidoscope allows us to have a peek into the hearts and minds of people, you'll see their different faiths and beliefs, their differing dogmas, their dreams and aspirations, their understanding or perception of life, their varied perceptions of other people around them, their perceptions regarding their environment. As can be seen, the various dimensions or possible ways in which society can be observed is limitless.
It makes a lot of sense to think that there is some binding agent that knits together all these dimensions, bringing all kinds of people and all possible ways of observing them under one roof. Look around you, closely. Each person is so unique, and is usually perceived differently by different people. What is it then, that enables him to connect with a person whose opinions and beliefs may be as different as he is from the person? Why does even outright hatred and enmity prevail, when feigning ignorance could be a much simpler option? There may be a host of rational explanations for many situations, but there do exist circumstances where all explanations fail. We are inherently selfish people, victims of our own vices and slaves of our own designs. Why is it then that there do come times when we end up wanting somebody else's well being or harm without being bothered about our own? Maybe the reason is a severe anomaly in the elaborate scheme of life. Maybe it's some irrational supernatural force we'd rather not think of. Maybe its LOVE.
Love could be generally understood as something which enables us to connect in a way that is unlike our inherent selfish nature, hence enabling us to actually live and not just exist. It's because of love that words like passion, desire and dream find meaning. Love is the reason why some people choose to de-prioritize wealth and material being and dedicate their life to some defined purpose, which could be anything, a person, a discipline, like say art, design, medicine, or even the service of God. Love is also the reason some people lose their sanity and in certain cases become obsessed with things best left unsaid, leading to widespread perceptions of perversion. Love is the reason why extremely incompatible people may bond together. Love is also the reason for similar thinking individuals to become fierce rivals. Maybe it is this force of love that enables us to constantly discover things about ourselves and the world around us. Maybe its because of this force that we can truly savour every moment of this wonder called life. Maybe it is this force that makes us so passionate and invokes in us the spirit to search for the answers to all questions, objective and subjective, that plague our kind.
One could also assume this force to be synonymous with faith. It represents intense belief and unconditional submission. This idea, understandably though, has two sides. Love is the cause of fanaticism, violence, blind terrorism. Love is also the cause of peace and all humanly care and support we provide to our brothers in need. A distillation of this idea will find easy identification in our environment.
I hope you've understood by now, that love is something beyond the realm of opinion and judgement. It's an inseparable part of our lives which lives through us. with us, in every part of life. It is something that finds form in every emotion lingering in our personal domain.
I'd love to believe that the whole concept of God and humanity actually stems from this unique four letter word. I feel that the existence of God is merely a metaphor for the existence of love. Love is something that flows through us, like an eternal stream with infinite energy, energy that only we can harness. It is like this invisible fabric, draping us all, its threads knitting our spirits together. The direction in which we try and pull the thread is completely our call. Put in any way, love is everything to do with making contact, with movement, forward or backward, with reaching out, connecting, feeling. Love is a way of life. To quote a popular movie - 'Love actually..is all around us!'
Having written so much about love being something beyond selfishness, I suddenly cease to wonder, is there anything in the world that is actually unselfish? Funny thing is, even though love can give rise to the most irrational, passionate and seemingly selfless act, doesn't such an act also make one feel good, even if momentarily. Even small acts of love usually create an atmosphere of goodwill. Does any good selfless deed actually exist?(courtesy Joey : Friends ) . Another thought does come to mind. Can anyone actually love others but not himself?..coz if he can't..that means u've got to be selfish in order to be selfless..which is quite obviously, a severe contradiction. Although I am pretty much satisfied with my perception of love..I guess I've pretty much blown away the base of my own definition. Yes..love is everything to do with passion and connection..but is it actually selfless? I don't think I can answer that. You people are, of course, free to debate. Let's just say that even though coming up with a definition for love is indeed an arduous task..it is a way of life..it is a reason for life.

Dead..or something like it..

It's actually been a really long time since I last visited my blog domain. Somehow, the urge to write is, again, not a derivation from some happy source. The apparent callousness with which one responds to the news of the death of some acquaintance, usually receives a reeling death-blow once the amount of devastation caused to the near and dear ones of the deceased, is obvious. I too, underwent a similar experience, albeit in an indirect manner, when I got to know of how devastated an old friend of mine was, rather is, sans the presence of her deceased boyfriend, a person, whom I also knew very well.
I haven’t met her for quite a while now, in fact the last time I saw her, she did wear a very content look on her face. From whatever I’ve heard of her, things don’t sound good at all, in fact, the whole episode has thrown up a lot of questions, and so many of these questions are questions we don’t want to answer.
It’s virtually impossible to imagine the feelings and pain of a person who loses the one person around which his or her life completely revolved. How do you live when you have nothing to look forward to, nothing to crave or aspire for, nothing to feel for. It is extremely difficult to imagine an empty life without any purpose of existence whatsoever. They say, self motivation is the only solution, I say the same thing too, but if things were that easy, we would have solved most depression cases in the world. What I have observed, very bluntly though, is a fact that most of the times, its not only the de-motivated person who is to blame. The world is like a poker table, and most players get cards they don’t wish to play with. People who are thrust into vocations or trades they never belonged to, generally never really have it in them to come out handsome winners. Their main struggle centers around survival, and their main source of true happiness lies in the small warm and happy moments in the day, moments which they usually share with people who are really close. Now if one were to snatch this one source of happiness away from them, given their highly increased state of dependency, what would you expect their initial reaction to be, to try and fight?, or to succumb?. What kind of reaction would you expect from a person, when the person whose world only looked beautiful through the eyes of another, sees those very eyes shut for eternity.
The Society never looks at such issues with kind eyes, for the strong it must mould, and the weak it must burn. Unfortunately, its evil hold on the nexus of emotional currents bonding people, has crippled the sanctity of many a profound relationship. With the presence of such alienating external factors, how can one expect an afflicted person to recuperate? How can one escape memories of a once happy life? How can one feed even a morsel of hope to a frail and lifeless spirit? How can one infuse self belief in a person sagging under the burden of unimaginable pain and unrealistic expectations? These, and many other innumerable questions, are questions which neither the society nor we can possibly answer. What we can do however, is show some respect for the string of faith and love that binds us to every individual on this planet, and honour the free will of every individual who seeks his or her own horizon.

The Sands Of Change.. The Will Of The Heart

My closest buddy Devarshi had, just a couple of days ago, quoted a line from the movie 'Fallen'.. the gist of which went like..' Most of the time, the question on a person's mind is tryin to figure out what the hell is going on '. When I think of it now.. this seemingly simplistic statement more or less sums up every individual's quest for understanding the role of every significant or non significant change in the smaller and larger scheme of things in his life.
Having just floated through a pretty enjoyable 2 week mini vacation at home, I returned to college life for a summer training course, and although my heart was still at home, I knew it was important to brace myself for the coming challenges which lay ahead, and prepare myself for any unexpected turns that would throw up in the course of events to follow. Unexpected, a few moments in the day certainly were. In fact, to be honest, some unexpected moments had been paying me constant visits since the last couple of days. In fact, these moments had almost assured me of a disappointing day, but for the four letter warrior called hope, which was and is still riding bravely in the dark alleys of my heart.
Training in Linux, now seems a much more testing ordeal, and the 30 day period myth has now been blown to pieces, with the course requirements clearly suggesting a minimum of 40 days and 160 hrs, hence providing a death blow to my plans of visiting Chennai. That was something I just about managed to gulp, when a talk with my cousin Garima, whom I had so proudly testified as one of my truest and closest friends, made me realise that certain glitches do exist in the network that connects every heart. Whether they arise out of fear, or a so called 'practical nature', I do not know, but they are glitches for sure, and my philosophy of life will never find them acceptable. If this were happening a good two three years ago, I'd probably be in an extremely depressed condition, my spirit sagging with disappointment and my hope unable to withstand the strain... but with experience and wisdom having emblazoned the last couple of years in my life, I have calmly taken it in my stride, despite my apparent disappointment.
Garima spoke to me about the fear of emotional attachments, and the pain of expectations. Thankfully, my personal experiences and thought receptions from various sources have tuned me to an idea that believes in the importance of these feelings, despite the pain attached. Yes, human nature does draw a soul towards pain and angst when it decides to get emotionally attached, but the soul does gain something which can never be gained otherwise. Speaking of my personal experiences, the emotional bonding with my closest pal Devarshi has had a great influence on my life. To quote him - 'Together we have broken all the norms and rules of a perfect life, and we've actually ended up enlightening ourselves each time'. Experiencing the warmth and closeness of an emotional bond enables us to read first hand from the book of life. It is 'experience' in the purest form. What we learn, what we experience from throwing ourselves into this storm of pain and anguish, can never be learnt by steering away from it and never daring to reach out. If we do so, we only have an unharmed soul to show for it, but if we choose not to forego love, just for fear of the pain, we possess a wiser, truly enlightened, and happier soul.
People may argue that emotional attachments have the potential to drive a person away from his priorities in life. While distractions may arise as a result of over involvement, the wise soul knows the difference between a true emotional bonding, and over attachment which results in the neglect of priorities. In my view, fulfilling or realising one's destiny in life is a way of showing our respect to life for the great gift that life itself is to us. It is the only obligation we have on this planet. If we run away from our priorities, our goals, our dreams, our destiny, we show a disrespect towards life itself. The wise soul knows that when we truly love or care for someone, we are never drawn away, but drawn towards our dreams. We have come onto this earth, both to 'love' and 'live'. One purpose cannot be fulfilled without the other 'or' at the cost of the other. The two terms are perfectly interrelatable and incomplete without one another
Finally, I'd like to offer a simple analogy connecting 'love' and 'life'. Life is never like a still water lake, it is more like an ocean easily subjectible to storms, or say a bumpy road. Now how many people would give up life just because of the fear of these persistent roadblocks. No sane person would die just so that he can avoid life's problems. Similarly, I don't see why the hell should a person discard emotional attachments, just because he fears the web of expectations and despair. Maturity will always breed wisdom and greater understanding of avoiding this pain, and not by any means will it advocate the discarding of emotional ties.

The Story Of The Sand

A big Hello.. to nyone who's reading this.While rummaging through my thought factory for an apt title 4 my blog.. i hit upon an interesting thought.. which corroborates the ideas of time, life and the legacy of an individual. Our lives are very much like the sand.. flowing through the hourglass that times our life. The desert based sand dunes.. which have no permanent home.. are reminders of the permanent presence of change in our lives.
The hard rock, which describes the sand's history and the fine sand, which is in itself, a unique testimony of its journey through time.. resonates with the history of man through ages.. his growth, from a survivor, to a believer and creator.. the legacy that he leaves behind.. as do we in our life.. as we grow with time.. into people who appreciate the reason for their existence and find meaning in their life.
This story of ours.. is very much like the story of the sand. Thus, do I dedicate my title to an entity that always reminds us of our life.. its history and the legacy it will continue to create.